I think it’s fair to say I’m having a bad week. I feel completely disillusioned with my life, my work, my relationship. What am I even doing? I wake up each morning and I do the things that need doing, I’m tired, I’m fed up, I feel like my husband and I are in an elaborate play whereby we pretend that everything is OK.

I talked to him about it a bit. Everything is not OK, and I started to talk to him about all of the things that play on my mind and are leading me to a generally low mood all of the time. Needless to say it didn’t go well. It turns out HE feels unappreciated, HE feels unloved, HE feels like I’m judging his drinking all of the time, HE can’t fix my stuff.

I told him I think we need to go and see a therapist together to learn to talk to each other better rather than every minor disagreement, or attempt by me to talk to him about some of the noise that whirls around my head resulting in him feeling attacked and then we don’t talk for 24 hours.

I’m having a bad day. It will pass. But the things I’m constantly banging on about to myself don’t go away:
– I want him to stop drinking with me.
– I feel trapped by my salary working in an industry that I have grown to hate.
– I want to escape alarm clocks and school runs and calendars and diaries.
– I want to be where it is warm and I don’t feel like the cold is attacking me all of the time.
– I want to travel and feel free to go where I want when I want.
– I want to feel calm and content and spend my time on something that feels worthwhile rather than being stressed and overwhelmed.

Midlife crisis do we think? I’m nearly 37… maybe what I need is a high-powered motorbike 😉

One thing is for sure, at the moment I definitely don’t feel like I’m working it all out. I feel like I’ve lost myself and I don’t even know who I am anymore. I guess it’s back to the booze thing again? It was so much of who I was, what I did, such a big part of our relationship and now it’s gone. And I feel like I’m lost at sea… up shit creek without a paddle.

8 thoughts on “Lost

  1. These are all natural feelings; I think you’ve described most of the middle-aging population (including me ;)). You are doing awesomely. Sometimes I’d still love for my partner to quit too, but pressuring them (as I’m sure you know) doesn’t help at all. They have to see the positive changes in us first, I believe, usually for a darned long time. And that includes giving them some of the unconditional love we want to receive for ourselves. ❤️
    Loved this post. Thanks for the wonderfully selfless sharing. Others will surely benefit from it too.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Wow, unconditional love. What a great reminder. I need to remember to be kind and patient. I forgot the unconditional part. Thank you SobrietyTree, for your lovely comment, and the vote of confidence. I really needed that xx

      Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks Wendy. I just didn’t quite appreciate quite how far reaching the changes would be. Yes it’s hard. But it is definitely worth it, i just need to bide my time and hopefully the positive results will reach as far as I hope xx

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Honestly I wish I could give you a big hug now (social distancing would not allow!) but you can have a virtual one! ALL of the things you wrote about are totally normal. I’m still struggling with many of them as you’ll see from my posts. This is the best thing you did though. It does bring so many changes but that’s because you are facing up to stuff that was buried and needed addressing. It’s tough but so worth it. Keep blogging and sharing. The support and love you’ll receive here is invaluable and. Wendy and Nadine who have commented above have helped me enormously. You are soul searching. Just remember to be kind to yourself. Sending those hugs 🤗🤗🤗
    Claire xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Claire. I have found blogging to be a wonderful way to be really honest with myself. I start typing and out comes things I hadn’t realised were in there. It was scary at first but the beautiful supportive comments have been amazing and I value then immensely. xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I found exactly the same. I didn’t even intend to start a blog. I read others and commented on a couple and one person suggested I start one. It became such a support and I found I sorted out things for myself. Glad to have you here 😊 xx


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