I think it’s fair to say I’m having a bad week. I feel completely disillusioned with my life, my work, my relationship. What am I even doing? I wake up each morning and I do the things that need doing, I’m tired, I’m fed up, I feel like my husband and I are in an elaborate play whereby we pretend that everything is OK.
I talked to him about it a bit. Everything is not OK, and I started to talk to him about all of the things that play on my mind and are leading me to a generally low mood all of the time. Needless to say it didn’t go well. It turns out HE feels unappreciated, HE feels unloved, HE feels like I’m judging his drinking all of the time, HE can’t fix my stuff.
I told him I think we need to go and see a therapist together to learn to talk to each other better rather than every minor disagreement, or attempt by me to talk to him about some of the noise that whirls around my head resulting in him feeling attacked and then we don’t talk for 24 hours.
I’m having a bad day. It will pass. But the things I’m constantly banging on about to myself don’t go away:
– I want him to stop drinking with me.
– I feel trapped by my salary working in an industry that I have grown to hate.
– I want to escape alarm clocks and school runs and calendars and diaries.
– I want to be where it is warm and I don’t feel like the cold is attacking me all of the time.
– I want to travel and feel free to go where I want when I want.
– I want to feel calm and content and spend my time on something that feels worthwhile rather than being stressed and overwhelmed.
Midlife crisis do we think? I’m nearly 37… maybe what I need is a high-powered motorbike 😉
One thing is for sure, at the moment I definitely don’t feel like I’m working it all out. I feel like I’ve lost myself and I don’t even know who I am anymore. I guess it’s back to the booze thing again? It was so much of who I was, what I did, such a big part of our relationship and now it’s gone. And I feel like I’m lost at sea… up shit creek without a paddle.